Isn’t it ironic that the person you love the most in this world, is right there in your arms, yet at times you experience that sinking feeling of being alone.
I am very happy to be a mom. My baby fills my heart with lots of joy and laughter, yet I often find myself looking for something else to feel like me again.
What kills me more is the guilt, that I am not happy just being a mother. Well, I am not. Besides, being a proud mother, I am a tired, sleepless and friendless human being.
Exhausted, sleep deprived and depressed
Let me share my daily routine. I wake up with my baby’s calls for feed or change. After making her comfortable, I play with the baby until she is tired, then I help her sleep. And this cycle keeps repeating.
While baby is sleeping, I try to fit in rest of my life. The usual stuff that everybody does – cooking, cleaning, shower, eating, washing and so on. However, I (a new mom) has to work at supersonic speed and be quiet as a cat at the same time.
There is no room for things like sleep, a warm cup of coffee, reading a nice book, going out on a drive or may be just a peaceful walk in the park.
Oh don’t take me wrong, as per books, I try to do all these things: sleep when baby is sleeping, go for walk with the baby, let baby play with toys while you finish your coffee and so on. Let me tell you, it’s not the same, not even close.
Moreover, simple tasks are just too much work now. For example, driving up to the the town centre (10 minutes drive) is now a very tedious work. How?
Well, first, get your wiggly baby ready to go out in chilly winters. Then make sure you are carrying everything but kitchen sink with you. And when finally you arrive in the car, your baby hates car seat. She would do everything in her capacity to get out of that confining seat. Trust me, I have tried everything under the mighty sun.
You are driving all the way with an angry, screaming baby in the back. You are trying hard to keep calm and focus on the road.
Once you reach your destination, baby decides to bring poonami. Somehow you figure out a way to deal with that. However, you are at the end of your tether. Now the hungry and sleepy baby is screaming at the top of her lungs. By the time you reach the shopping centre, your will ask yourself, “ What the heck I am doing here?”.
To give you another example, Imagine doing most of the chores with your baby strapped to your chest.
And if you are breastfeeding then you are hungry and thirsty all the time. On top of that, you get very little sleep at night. These things all together can push you to the edge. No matter how grateful you are to have a baby.
Internet is full of researches connecting chronic exhaustion and sleep deprivation to mental health issues. No wonder new moms feels depressed at times.
Lonely and isolated moms
Loneliness was never a problem with me. I am a self sufficient person. Even if I am not around people, I can keep myself entertained for months and be content. However, now I feel that all self care tools in my arsenal are useless.
I often ask myself, what makes me feel so lonely and isolated?
1. Missing simple things in life
It feels like my baby takes up 22 out of 24 hours of my day. And rest of the time is spent arranging food, run washing, tidying up etc. And the day flies by in the blink of an eye. I miss simple things in life like enjoying a meal peacefully, taking a nice relaxing shower, starting my day with yoga, watching a movie etc.
2. Loss of social-time
We get most of our social time at work. I don’t have that as I have lost my job due to the pandemic and motherhood. And I am not sure when I’ll be able to join the workforce again.
I also understand that even if I join work, it’s not going to be the same. Because working mums also struggles. Many forced to leave jobs due to childcare problems.
Do you know that the childcare problem costing England £3.4 million a day because it prevents mother from working.
3. Not being able to make friends
Despite having a beautiful baby and an amazing husband, I miss good friendship. My school and college friends are now scattered around the world. We still talk once in a while but there is a difference between “keeping in touch” and “being good friends”.
Also, It’s not easy to make friends as an adult. We are overwhelmed with work and family responsibilities. Managing what we have is a challenge, let alone making new friends.
4. Taking a break is expensive
Child care is expensive. I can’t just fish out that much money every time I need a break. It is particularly difficult to justify when you don’t have any source of income.
5. Me-time’s efforts vs reward ratio is always not great
Even if I decide to take a break for my sanity, I have to prepare for it. And the biggest challenge is finding a child minder. Someone I can trust.
Once that hurdle is crossed, I have to prepare all the things that the childminder will need to take care of the baby.
Finally when I am out and about, I have to be ready to rush back for any unforeseeable circumstances. Even if nothing happens, I have to keep an eye on the clock. Once the time is up, drop everything and run home.
6. New mother has a very small window for outing
Babies thrive on a routine. I must follow her nap and bed time routine. If I miss it, rest of the day will be miserable for both of us.
So if I plan to go out, it has to match with my baby’s nap time routine, which makes it difficult to go out with friends.
7. Going out with baby has its own challenges
My baby is a screamer. She makes this loud screeching noises even when happily playing with her toys. When she was about 6 months old, I went to a cafe with a neighbour. And my baby screamed so much so that everybody started staring at us. She even woke up another baby and I could see that mom was not happy. We quickly gulped down our coffee and left that place as soon as possible. That was the only time I went out for a coffee with someone.
From this point of view, lockdown is not making a huge difference to me. Because, anyway I won’t be able to enjoy anything but a park.
8. Loss of identity
I am transitioning from who-I-used-to-be to who-I-am-now. Everything is changing so fast that I find it hard to catch up with this new reality of my life. I used to be a professional, avid reader, hiker and now I am a stay-at-home mom.
I am working harder than ever before, yet my bank balance is going south.
It seems like all my interests, hobbies and skills are not useful at this stage in life. Because they don’t go well with raising a child.
Even I look different now. No more full bouncy hair. I have to secure my hair in a bun or braid, otherwise my little one will pull them out or eat them.
I can’t wear any jewellery now, especially my favourite, dangling earrings. Because my little monkey loves shiny stuff. And if she loves it, she snatches it and eats it. And you will be surprised how fiesty these little ones can be.
I don’t wear anything that can’t go in washing machine. Cotton t-shirts and leggings are my daily uniform now. Yet they are always full of white spots.
Looking put-together as a mom is real hard work. You might be thinking, Oh you don’t have to worry about these things, you are a mom. Well, I would like to look good. Because it’s not about others. It’s about me.
9. People see only a mother in me now
That’s true! When people look at us, they sees only a baby and a mother. And their whole conversation revolves around that.
My both families (my and my husband’s family) dot on my baby and l really really love it. I understand their concept of “The interest is worth more than the principle”. However, it also makes me feel that on my journey of motherhood, I have disappeared somewhere down the road, only a mother exists.
During pandemic this loneliness increased exponentially
Before pandemic, I have seen mothers sitting in a cafe with their little ones in the pram next to them. I can’t do that because we are in lockdown, cafes are closed.
We can’t even go in the park for walk with another mum and bub.
There are no play groups running.
All mum and Bub activity classes are suspended.
There was no family dinner on Christmas evening.
All new year get togethers and parties were banned.
Meeting anyone who doesn’t live with you is illegal. Which means no family support.
You have to stay in your local area, so no driving around. Throw in grey, wet and cold weather into the mix and you have the perfect environment for a mental breakdown. Getting diagnosed with anxiety was not a sudden surprise to me. Because I could feel it building up for months. Nonetheless, eventually I was able to recover from it. I will share my 8 tips to treat or manage anxiety in my next post.
Motherhood is challenging in itself. And doing it all by myself in the confinement of a small 2 bed apartment, makes me feel loneliest person on earth.
Only thing that keeps me going is the deep sense of responsibility towards the little person I brought in this world and love of my family. And hope that one day I will receive all the help and support.
And now that I have vented that all out, I must admit, that I don’t feel this way all-the-time, every day. There are days when I absolutely love cuddling up with baby in a warm bed and do nothing or be with anyone else.
Also, There are several wonderful tips all over the Internet to deal with loneliness. Such as
- Go to a toddler group or baby class
- Go to the park and chat to another mum
- Smile at every mum you meet
- Get the phone number of one of the mums you meet today.
- Text them and arrange to meet for that coffee.
Albeit, these tips are not very useful when coronophobia is at its peak and we all are in national lockdown.
Necessity is mother of invention. I have proved it again. I have figured 10 ways to feel less isolated and lonely. These tips are working for me so far. You will read all about them in my next post. Meanwhile, try my No. 1 tip to feel better immediately.
My No.1 tip to feel better
The first step towards feeling better is to recognise and acknowledge that loneliness is a real problem. Understand that it can be a major road-block in your beautiful journey into motherhood. Do not ignore your emotional health to the point of breakdown. Once you have accepted it, let your loved ones know how you feel. Sometimes, a good venting out is all you need.
Now, write down all the reasons that makes you feel low, lonely or isolated. No matter how shallow or meaningless they sound, just write them all on a piece of paper. Prepare a clear and comprehensive list.
Congratulations, now you have a list of things that will make you happy.
When I showed this list to my husband, he said. “Oh, there are so many things in this list that can be done easily. How about you go for your peaceful walk in the morning and I will take care of the baby?” And this Sunday, I will take the baby to the park and you can watch some movie.”
My brother saw that list and he was keen to help. Just because now he knows how to help me. Not only others, now you know what will make you happy. Whenever you have some free time, you will exactly know how to make best use of this time.
By the way there are several organisations that can help.
Enough about me. Now it’s your turn. Tell me in the comments about your journey into motherhood so far. And how do/did you deal with loneliness? Reading your comments and replying to you, feels like having a pen-friend.
Lots of love